It’s been a mixed few weeks. The Easter holidays presented lots of opportunities for auntie time. Unfortunately, my body has seized every opportunity to mess with me.
My first Easter adventure was a trip to The Burrell Collection. I spent a lot of time here as a kid and always enjoyed it. It is so nice to share it with the next generation. The boy absolutely loved all the swords and armour. I loved watching him explore.
The Burrell is really good on the accessibility front. Wide flat spaces that are easy to manoeuvre. Plenty of places to sit throughout, plus light weight stools you can carry around with you. Spacious lifts to all floors. It is a stunning buildings, with exhibits to entertain all ages.
As you know, I’m big into my glasses. I can never have enough. Thus, I was delighted to collab with Firmoo. These blue beauties have been on my face since the moment they arrived.
Glasses – Firmoo *
Next up was a little dip with my bestie & her brood. Swimming is my favourite, not least because I can properly carry on with kids. In the water I can move with ease. It feels so good not to be in pain every second. It’s even better to play a shark, spin the kids, help them ‘swim’. Much fun was had even if my littlest niece was frustrated that she needed to hold on to me. She was determined that she could do it herself and was not convinced when I explained that she couldn’t swim. Swimming with littles requires clothes that can be easily pulled on whilst squeezed into a tiny changing room with a wiggly child. These wide legs were perfect.
Trousers – Pockets and Sedition Cardigan – Monsoon
A few days later I was back with the treesome for the twin’s birthday. I can’t believe they are three already. It’s a cliche, but kids really do grow too fast! I still call these two babies, which is wishful thinking. They are so smart & funny & full of love. It is an honour to be part of their lives. We had a classic children’s party; balloons, cake & pass the parcel. It was a joy.
On the flip side my insomnia is in full force. Tossing & turning for hours every night is torture. I lie there exhausted, but feeling this horrendous unsettled sensation all over. The more I dwell on this physical embodiment of anxiety, the further away sleep gets. Every day feels like wading through mud. Surviving on minuscule amounts of sleep is the absolute worst.
When my body isn’t refusing to sleep, it’s passing out. Pots is kicking my arse. My latest fainting disaster resulted in two small fractures of my hand. The good news is that the bones are fast healing. The bad is that it is my walking stick hand and weight bearing is not easy. I’m feeling overwhelmed about how this is going to impact my mobility. Fingers crossed the predicted 3 weeks healing time is correct.
I might have to wear an ugly splint, but my nails look great.
Thankfully Bronan is always around for snuggles. A purring cat is a great stress reducer.
* Use my code Kerr50 for up to 80% off.
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Today marks a year since the beginning of the conflict in Sudan. A conflict that has been largely ignored my most of the world. To date 16000 people have been killed and over 8million have been forced to flee their homes.
Millions are currently living with acute food insecurity and without the basic necessities of life. Sexual and other violence are widespread in conflict zones & asylum routes. We can help by not being silent about the crisis in Sudan and if possible by supporting one of the following organisations.
The UN Refugee Agency provides protection and critical life saving services in Sudan. This includes shelter, food, water, health & sanitation facilities, cash based interventions and resettlement resources.
UNICEF provide emergency aid along with child targeted services such as education, immunisation and support for unaccompanied children.
If you are unable to make a donation at this time you can still help. AWOON, a women’s activist organistation providing legal assistance & advice for women in Port Sudan. Their work is especially targeted at people who have experienced sexual & gender based violence. They are currently hampered by interference from government agencies. World Organisation Against Torture (OMCT) is asking us to write to authorities in Sudan demanding that AWOON be allowed to operate freely and have their assets unfrozen. You can addressed and more information on the OMCT website.
Yesterday I was doing a little insta scrolling when I came across a really strange post. It’s from Michelle Ogundehin an interior designer who is on that design competition show on BBC. I followed her for pictures of pretty rooms. Thus, I was shocked by this abrupt change in content.
I have a problem with these kind of alarmist statements. Exercise is good for us. Everyone knows that. Encouraging people to try new things, enjoy moving their body, take a nice walk is great. Scaring the bejesus out of folk with you’re going to die, is not. Life is complicated. Not everyone has time, money or the physical ability to partake in the 30mins/5 times a week suggested in this post. The comments were flooded with people pointing this out. Many said the tone was all wrong & the content ableist. Michelle’s replies ranged from patronising to snarky. Then she turned off commenting. As a disabled person who has very few exercise options I tire of this exclusionary narrative. I also believe it is counter productive; fear & shame are not effective long term motivators.
On a wider point I’m throughly sick of how many unqualified people stray into the ‘health & well being’ sphere. Even in my carefully curated timelines I find it hard to escape grifters spewing pseudo science. The scope appears to be continually growing, manifestion, fad diets, alpha males, mlms, alternative cures… the list goes on. All making unsubstantiated claims & usually making buck. Ten minutes on google is all it takes to see that almost all of these people are unqualified. Some may be well meaning, most are shameless charlatans.
Curious as to what inspired this shift in content I took a look at Ogundehin’s substack. Amongst the expected design tips there are a lot of posts about ‘health’. She covers topics I honestly don’t think she is qualified to offer advice on. She does mention that she’s not a medical professional. She also confidently declares things fact that I am not certain stand up to much investigation. Her sources are suspect, her tone is off. She uses phrases like ‘food be thy medicine’ and writes overblown articles on the dangers of gluten. To me, it seems like another person who has realised there is money to be made in the wellness world.
Before I wrote this I did a little research. I wanted to check I wasn’t mistaken about her qualifications. Michelle appears very qualified for roles related to design. She has held impressive positions in editing, journalism and design. However, I can’t find any evidence of training that would make her a go to on food or health. She does mention in her substuck that she has started studying nutrition, but by her own admission is on the first module of what sounds like an introductory course. Health is a serious topic. I’m all for sharing our experiences and what worked for us. However, I truly fear the idea of people making impactful changes in their lives based on the pronouncements of unqualified people.
Please be careful out there. Dig a little a deeper before taking things you find online as fact. That includes me! I research topics before writing about them, but that does not make me an expert. I want readers to check things out for themselves. I always provide resources and caveat my opinions. In the case of anything related to your health, my advice is always consult a Dr.
If you like what I do you can support me here or on Patreon.
I’ve had a whirlwind of flares of late. As soon as one issue eases another gears up. I’ve been chipping away at some projects very slowly. However, when unable to function these are some of the things that have helped me pass the time.
I got a free trial of Apple TV with my new phone whilst having a scroll and decided to give Ted Lasso a try. I knew that it was about an American coming to manage a football team. I thought it was funny. Other than that I was going in blind. Oh my god! What a show, I’m a wreck. It’s the most emotional thing I have watched in a long time. It is laugh out loud funny, but it also has the most heart wrenching moments. I fell in love with almost all of the characters. It managed to be truly hopeful without swimming in cheese. If you haven’t seen it, you must. Bittersweet and beautiful with a little crazy thrown in for good measure.
Talking of Lasso, the soundtrack is goooood. One of the gems I discovered is Strange by Celeste. It’s one of those songs I can feel. Celeste’s voice is haunting. She perfectly captures the weirdness of human relationships. We go from not knowing someone exists, to being the most important person in their life and sometimes, back to strangers again. It’s painful, but also inevitable. We all change, we grow, not always towards each other. It’s not an original thought, but it is uniquely expressed.
Yoko By Maisie Peters was a Tik Tok find. Someone used the music in a video and I was hooked. I love the idea of miscommunication described this way. I think as a woman we’ve also all met those men who loudly proclaim Yoko is to blame for the breakup of The Beatles. They’re usually of a type. I’m never surprised when more casual misogyny spills forth. Anyway, it’s a song about people misunderstanding each other and ultimately one party not making the effort. All encapsulated in the lines,
You know Yoko never broke up that band, You misunderstood The Beatles…
I’m not ashamed to admit I’d like to have written that couplet.
On a completely different bent, we have the H3 Podcast. As usual I am years slow in the uptake, but I have been enjoying it for the last few weeks. I believe it has been a controversial like. I care not. It’s a free form live podcast. Very funny, the team have a genuine camaraderie & I tend agree with most of their takes. There’s loads of nonsense plus coverage of current events. I love that Ethan is willing to admit his mistakes. Of course you know I’m a sucker for a real family man; which he seems to be. Love me some wife guy vibes.
Finally, my latest read was a winner. This Family by Kate Sawyer takes place at a wedding. The family members and their history are slowly introduced as the day unfolds. Sawyer correctly portrays how complicated family relationships can be. All the little betrayals, annoyances & differing opinions between a group of people bound together for life. I really loved it.
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Mother’s Day is always a tricky one for me. I love my Mum, of course I want to celebrate her. I have a lot of wonderful Mums in my life. All of whom deserve to be spoiled. I also feel incredibly fragile.
I’ve put a lot of time and effort into building a protective shell around myself. You can’t live if you wake up everyday confounded by what you have lost. It’s always there, but self preservation is an art you can learn. There are some thoughts that I don’t allow myself to examine. I push them outside of my armour and focus on something else. Unfortunately my shell is not impenetrable. There are dates, memories that crack the surface. Mother’s Day, is obviously one of those occasions.
Mothering Sunday is a trigger in the true sense of the word. It has the power to wreck me. Realistically, that’s not an option. I refuse to ruin a special day for people I love. Still, the whole process is hard. Shopping for gifts is painful. I find myself drawn to things that I’d like to have received. I both love and envy watching my niblings express their love for their Mummies. That bond between mother and child is unique. And oh so special. All of my siblings have children meaning my Mum is also Gran. They love her so much and always want to make/buy things for her too. It’s another little detail that I dreamed of, but won’t live. Each of these pierce holes in my carefully crafted casing.
For me, the solution has been creating a little emotional distance. I pull myself back from the feelings and do what I can to enjoy the day. When I’m alone again, I let myself feel it. What’s the point of this? Just to say that if you are struggling today, I get it. It’s ok to give yourself what you need. Go gentle.
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This month I continue to support the people of Palestine with my charitable donations. I still find it extremely difficult to believe that we are witnessing a genocide happen in real time, ignored by most of our leaders.
Watching the videos coming out of Palestine is unbearable. Palestinians are forced to live this horror, so we cannot turn away. This week I have been inspired by the amazing Robyn Boyle and her work with Gaza Genocide Emergency Committee promoting boycotts. To quote Robyn, a boycott is an easy thing to ask of people because in a sense, you’re only asking that they do nothing. Boycotts are a free and simple way to take action. BDS (Boycott, Divestment & Sanctions) are a great resource on who to boycott, with location specific information. Money talks, where you choose to spend yours can have a huge impact.
We must of course also keep pressure on our politicians. They work for us, public opinion is overwhelmingly in support of a ceasefire. It is incumbent upon us to make that clear.
For my part I have also chosen to donate to UNFPA’s ‘Mama Kit’ campaign. A Mama Kit provides essentials for women with newborns in areas affected by natural disasters and conflicts. Gaza is currently severely lacking in food, clean water and medical supplies. One of these kits really could mean the difference between life and death.
As predicted last week’s level of activity resulted in this week’s inactivity. I’ve been sore and exhausted. Tedious, but expected. The thing that has really been bothering me is my foul mood.
I’m extremely pissed off. Don’t ask me why because I have no idea. No one has done anything egregious. I have experienced no great wrong. Yet, each day I wake up feeling grumpier than the last. My baseline emotion is crabby.
The slightest provocation sends my simmering frustration to bubbling over. I lose a page in a book, spill my tea, forget a detail and I’m furious. My wrath is not solely directed inwards, everyone & everything annoys me. For no reason. I know my feelings are unreasonable. Consequently, it is best for me to be where others are not. I doubt all this seclusion is helpful. Turning all this negativity on myself is unlikely to produce much joy.
I’m at a loss for a solution. I’m accustomed to feeling sad or scared, but this aimless anger is uniquely discomforting. I hope it will pass. Perhaps when I’m less fatigued my mood will lift. Maybe the state of the world is getting to me. Or just life itself. Whatever the cause, I do not love it.
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Last week was hectic. I packed in way more than was sensible. So, of course I’m entirely out of spoons now. It was worth it, though. I had some productive meetings and lovely time with people I care about.
First there was the little matter of tests and seeing some consultants. Unfortunately this involved pretty much an entire day in hospital, mostly waiting. Listen, I am very grateful for our NHS, I doubt I’d still be here without it. However, watching the impact of Tory cuts over the last decade is deeply frightening. Sickness, ageing accidents will touch all of our lives. We need a functioning NHS, it is a miraculous institution. Please keep that in mind when you are casting your votes.
Tuesday involved meetings about an exciting opportunity, which I feel good about. I long ago abandoned cosplaying as a suit. I feel fake & uncomfortable in that get up. I don’t present my best self that way. Thus, I turn up as me and I find that gets the best results.
Skirt – Gift
The following day was all Bronan. We went for his bloods & then a had bit of a wild goose chase for his insulin. Fridge malfunctions caused some problems, but we got there in the end. Bronan was very grumpy about his extended time in his carrier, but once home he got thoroughly pampered.
By Thursday it was time for a reward. I put on a pretty dress and had a catch up with my very favourite man. We went to Brutti Compadres. I love it there because the have the best tapas and Rosè sangria. Plus amazing lighting that makes it feel like you’re bathed in sun. It was so nice to forget about the miserable Scottish winter. Even nicer to bask in the company of someone delightful.
Dress – Forever 21 Shrug – H&M Tights – Snag
I finished the week in the best way possible; surrounded by niblings. I spent the day playing with Batman and baby bunnies, looking up cheeky animals on my phone and finding out about the latest happenings at school. I also had a good gab with their Mamma. Friday done right.
Trousers – Glamour @ Asos Cardigan – Handmade
If you like what I do you can support me here or on Patreon.
This month in continued attempts to stop buying clothes I don’t need, I have been attempting to mine gems from the darkest reaches of my wardrobe.
I have about a million dresses and some just don’t get a look in. Example A would be this dress. It the softest, cosiest easy wear and I do not know why I neglect it. It is brutally cold here, so additional layering is essential. This wee shrug/jumper thing is ideal. Also super soft and cosy. It was a Xmas gift and I love it. I can throw it on with anything for extra warm.
Dress – Monsoon Jumper – Gift Boots – Air Cloudies
The next dress really did come from the deepest depths. I’ve had this one for close to 20yrs. It’s is a magical wrap dress that somehow fits me whatever size I am. I love the vintagey print. The only annoying thing is the tie loosens and it gets a bit heavy on the cleavage. Easily solved by popping a vest on next time.
Dress – Very old H&M. Jumper – Gift
Finally we have yesterday’s outfit. We took Dad out for an early birthday lunch. I wanted to step it up a little, but still look day time. I dug around in my drawers and found this amazing sheer t shirt. The colour is so vibrant, it was just what this jumpsuit needed to causal it down a little bit. I also broke out my jazziest glasses. I adore these specs. They are actually really heavy, so not great for wearing everyday. I do love giving them an outing.
Time to talk day has just be crept across my timeline. I’m hoping it’s a testament to how attitudes have changed towards what is needed in the mental health sphere that I’m only being alerted to it at 9.30pm. Despite my cynicism I clicked and perused the website.
Sadly, it’s the same old story. Like most other mainstream advocacy for mental illness, Time to talk fails in tackling the real barriers people with mental illness face. Of course it is important to dispel stigma around mental health problems. It is also great to encourage people to support friends, colleagues etc. The tips on how to approach such conversations are fairly helpful. My issue with this model is that I don’t believe it acknowledges the depth & breath of the problem. In fact, I would go further in saying that the offering a listening ear platitudes can even diminish the experience of many with mental illness.
I’m 43yrs old and I have managed various levels of mental Illness almost entire and life. In all of that time the NHS has been under resourced in the mental health sector. As the years have gone by funding has been slashed and the problem has grown. We have been at crisis status for a very long time. There has been an uptake in mental health awareness. Campaign after campaign successfully identified warning signs and urged us to seek help. Unfortunately, the help requested is most often not forthcoming.
At the moment just getting a Gp appointment can be an enormous struggle. From there referral to primary mental health services always results in landing in a very long waiting list. If you can survive that wait, the treatment available can be limited. The first line is usually a limited course of CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). CBT can of course be effective for some issues. It is not an answer for more complex mental illness. Alongside CBT there are a variety of helplines and websites, which can offer valuable information, but do not constitute treatment. There are of course psychiatric medications. These can be life saving and do improve the lives of millions. However, they are not magic, most often they must be used in conjunction with other therapies.
A referral beyond the intial interventions already mentioned is difficult to obtain. Infuriatingly, not everyone merits a place on their waiting lists. Those who do make it are in for another privilege wait. The quality, duration & efficacy of what is available at the end of that line is unknown. There are excellent professionals, treatments & resources, but they are stretched beyond thin. There simply aren’t beds, funding or staffing to provide the appropriate treatment & support for everyone who needs it. The result is, most people are shirt changed. Problems that could be caught early are allowed to progress. Serious problems become emergencies. In short, our population suffers more mental illness and become trapped in illness for longer. Some, forever.
Beyond the personal tragedy, the social and economic toll this takes is clear. People become unable to work, care for their families, participate in their communities, they then are laden with whole new set of problems. This of course negatively impacts their mental health and round they go. More people end up in crisis with no where to turn but emergency services, which are not equipped to render proper treatment. Again worsening the situation of the individual and eroding resources available overall. Apply this cycle across the board and it becomes obvious how vicious it is. It is an enormous widespread problem that can not be solved without massive funding, recruitment and a re evaluation of government policy.
Atop those failings is the fundamental shortcomings of the message itself. Breaking down stigma is vital. However, I think the focus of these campaigns, asking how people are feeling, actually is listening to the answer and so on, don’t go nearly far enough. It gives the impression that all mental illness can be easily solved. The adverts and literature are always about depression or anxiety. They show the palatable side of these conditions; someone who has a difficult period and with a little help from their friends gets better. Images of people crying or holding their head in their hands distort the reality of living with such conditions. When someone can’t get out of bed or in the shower for days on end, when they can’t function or find relief despite those caring chats it’s a shock. A check in with the Gp & some anti depressants won’t cure everything. Mental illness encompasses a myriad of conditions. Symptoms can be extraordinarily distressing and debilitating. Some are enduring illnesses that require complex and specialised treatment. Conditions like schizophrenia, Ptsd or Bpd are rarely discussed. Instead they’re sensationalised & misrepresented in the media. Perpetuating dangerous ideas about those living with certain conditions. The fear and shame have not been dispelled. We’ve merely carved out a tiny category of ‘acceptable’ mental illness.
The recovery narrative presented in mainstream mental health advocacy is too simple. Not everyone gets better. Lots of people instead learn to manage their mental illness. Others have recurring episodes. They are still smart, loving, valuable human beings. When all society is presented with is neat stories of struggle, seek help, return to health forever expectations are unrealistic . Those who don’t follow that template become doubted. Compassion turns to thinking they’re not trying hard enough or maybe they’re exaggerating. Stigma persists. We need an informed public. Not only on the broader experience of mental illness, but on ways to bring about change. People should know why our services are failing. The power of our voices and votes must be understood. We also need education around navigating the systems that exist. Everyone should be aware of how best to advocate for themselves and loved ones. We do need to talk, it’s just a much bigger conversation.
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Something in the way she moves... 
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